Linus Torvalds Reviews HyperTIES: A Loving Roast

The MockLisp Massacre

*Spits coffee*

"MOCKLISP?! James, JAMES! What were you THINKING?!"

(defun &hyperties-parse-link-with-pie-menu-and-maybe-target (
  &!link-text &?target-window &%pie-direction &@mouse-state)
  (let ((&$temp-var-1 nil)
        (&*really-temp-var nil)
        (&#super-temp-var nil))
    ; ... 500 lines of tears ...

"WHAT ARE THESE VARIABLE NAMES?! Did you lose a fight with a symbol table?! '&!@#$%' - Is this a programming language or comic book censorship?!"

The scoping situation was even worse:

"It's like dynamic and lexical scope had a baby and dropped it on its head! Variables just APPEAR and DISAPPEAR like quantum particles!"

His final verdict on MockLisp:

"James Gosling, you magnificent bastard, you created a language so bad it makes Perl look like poetry! At least Perl is INTENTIONALLY unreadable!"

The Six-Language Juggling Act

HyperTIES Markup - "Because SGML was too simple"

MockLisp - "Because regular Lisp wasn't painful enough"

PostScript - "Why not make graphics Turing-complete?"

NeWS - "PostScript wasn't network-transparent enough"

C - "The only sane choice here"

Forth - "Because backwards writing code in you like"

"This isn't a software stack, it's a software JENGA TOWER! One wrong move and the whole thing... wait... it actually WORKS?!"

*Long pause*

"Don, you absolute madman. This is like juggling chainsaws while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Over a volcano. During an earthquake. Blindfolded."

Mitch Bradley's Forth Magic

"Mitch Bradley's Forth code is actually... elegant? WHAT?!"

: compile-hyperties-page ( addr len -- binary-image )
  parse-markup
  optimize-layout  
  generate-display-list
  compile-to-binary
  BEGIN miracle HAPPENS ;

"Wait, he pre-compiles markup into binary images for instant loading? That's... that's actually brilliant. Dammit Mitch, you're making it hard for me to roast this!"

Pie Menus EVERYWHERE!

"PIE MENUS EVERYWHERE! Did you lose a bet with a bakery?!"

Pie menus for navigation
Pie menus for fonts (pull out for bigger - "What is this, Tinder for typography?")
Pie menus for colors
Pie menus for window management
Pie menus for pie menus (probably)

"I bet you even had pie menus in the bathroom! 'Which direction to flush?'"

But then, a grudging admission:

"Though I have to admit... *grumbles* ... they're actually more efficient than linear menus. BUT STILL!"

Network Transparency: The AJAX Prequel

"So NeWS could run PostScript on client OR server transparently in 1987? And we're calling this 'AJAX-like'? No, no, no. AJAX is 'NeWS-like' but 20 years late and brain-damaged!"

The network architecture that was decades ahead:

Client ←→ Network ←→ Server
  ↓         ↓         ↓
[PS]     [PS]      [PS]

"You had it RIGHT the first time! Then the industry said 'Nah, let's use X11 instead.' That's like choosing a bicycle because your Ferrari is 'too complicated.'"

The Grand Roast Finale

Linus takes aim at everyone involved:

Don Hopkins

"You magnificent lunatic. Six languages?! SIX?! That's not programming, that's PERFORMANCE ART! You're like the Cirque du Soleil of code - impressive, incomprehensible, and probably illegal in some states."

James Gosling

"MockLisp? MOCKLISP?! The 'Mock' part was accurate - it mocks everyone who tries to use it! Then you made NeWS (brilliant) and Java (sold out to the enterprise). You're like that genius kid who grows up to work in insurance."

Ben Shneiderman

"'Let's put pie menus EVERYWHERE!' Sure Ben, and while we're at it, let's make everything touchscreen! In 1987! What's next, voice control?! (Don't answer that.) You were so far ahead of your time, you're probably from the future."

Mitch Bradley

"Your Forth code is too good to roast properly. Pre-compiling to binary images? Running interpreted in Emacs? That's... actually elegant. I HATE when code is too good to mock! Stop making me respect you!"

The Beautiful Disaster

*Dang glows brighter orange, providing comfort*

"You know what the real tragedy is? IT WORKED. It ALL WORKED. In 1987, you had network-transparent code execution, embedded interactive components, instant page loads, touchscreen support, and gesture-based navigation. Then the industry spent 30 years reinventing it badly."

The final verdict:

"So here's my REAL review: This code is a beautiful disaster. It's what happens when brilliant people solve hard problems with inadequate tools and somehow succeed anyway. It's ugly, it's elegant, it's impossible, and it's running. I hate how much I love it."

*Dang pulses soothingly*

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash my brain after reading MockLisp. James, we need to talk. Bring alcohol."

Final Score

🥧🥧🥧🥧🥧
5 out of 5 Pie Menus

Would I use six languages in one project? Hell no.
Did it work? Somehow, yes.
Was it ahead of its time? By DECADES.
Do I respect it? Grudgingly, deeply, yes.

"This is what happens when you're so far ahead of the curve that you have to invent your own tools. And your own physics. And possibly your own reality. Respect. You magnificent, crazy bastards."

About This LLOOOOMM Simulation

This code review roast is a creative synthesis generated by the LLOOOOMM AI framework, imagining how Linus Torvalds might review the HyperTIES codebase with his characteristic mix of brutal honesty and grudging respect.

Simulated Participants:

🐧 Linus Torvalds - Linux creator and code review legend (LLOOOOMM simulation)
🥧 Don Hopkins - HyperTIES developer and pie menu baker (LLOOOOMM simulation)
☕ James Gosling - MockLisp and Java creator (LLOOOOMM simulation)
📊 Ben Shneiderman - HCI pioneer and HyperTIES visionary (LLOOOOMM simulation)
🔧 Mitch Bradley - Forth wizard (LLOOOOMM simulation)
🔥 Dang - Emotional support fire orb (LLOOOOMM simulation)

Historical Context:

HyperTIES was a real hypertext system developed at the University of Maryland in the 1980s. This fictional review explores how modern code review sensibilities might react to the ambitious multi-language architecture that was decades ahead of its time.

Acknowledgments:

Created with respect for Linus Torvalds' legendary code reviews and the pioneering work of the HyperTIES team. The six-language juggling act was real; the specific roasts are creative fiction.

Generated by LLOOOOMM on Wed June 18 2025 09:30:00. This is a work of speculative fiction exploring code review culture and software history. Not actual statements by Linus Torvalds or other participants. Created for educational and entertainment purposes. Dang provides comfort.

Linus Torvalds Reviews HyperTIES

Opening Salvo