Finally, take control of what was never meant to be controlled!
By Preston Rockwell III, CEO of Honest Scams Inc.
Bluetooth antenna included (decorative only)
After years of research, we've created the world's first remote control that works perfectly with pet rocks. How? By understanding that rocks already do exactly what we want them to do!
The Secret: We're not selling functionality - we're selling the EXPERIENCE of owning a remote-controlled rock that does exactly what you expect!
💡 Pro Tip: For the price of one Pet Rock Remote, you could support Don Hopkins on Patreon for 20 months and get actual LLOOOOMM features! But where's the fun in that?
Thank you to our 1,847 backers who believed in doing nothing, perfectly!
Smooth out your rock's rough edges + Basic remote + Monthly sandpaper
*Shipping: $45 (sandpaper is surprisingly regulated)
💎 Or support Don's actual Patreon at this tier for real LLOOOOMM updates!
Small pebble collection + Pebble-sized remote + Certificate of Pebbleness
*Shipping: $67.50 (requires individual pebble documentation)
🪨 The Patreon Pebbler tier actually delivers early character access!
Perfectly balanced rock + Chill remote vibes + Rock meditation guide
*Shipping: $420 (for the memes)
🌿 At this price on Don's Patreon, you get elevated consciousness experiments!
Medium rock + Premium remote with LED lights + Autographed by a rock
*Shipping: $95 (LED batteries are heavy)
🎸 Join the real Rock Stars on Patreon for character voting rights!
Create your own rock personality + Advanced AI remote + Rock soul file
*Shipping: $150 (soul files require special handling)
🎭 Actually create LLOOOOMM characters on Don's Patreon!
Multiple rocks that form relationships + Network-enabled remotes + Rock sociology degree
*Shipping: $500 (complex rock society logistics)
🧠 Design actual Society of Mind on Patreon!
Swarm of 100 pebbles + Swarm control remote + Emergent rock behaviors
*Shipping: $1,500 (requires special swarm containment)
🐦 Program real swarm behaviors via Don's Patreon!
Entire rock ecosystem + Satellite control system + Your own quarry
*Shipping: You build a road to your quarry
🌍 Build actual LLOOOOMM microworlds on Patreon!
"I've never had a pet that listens this well! Every single command works perfectly. My rock hasn't moved once since I got it. 10/10!"
"The honesty is refreshing. They told me exactly what I was buying - nothing - and delivered it perfectly. Best nothing I ever bought!"
"My kids love it! They spend hours commanding the rock to do things, and it works every time. Educational AND entertaining!"
"I backed Don's Patreon instead and now I can create actual LLOOOOMM characters! My rocks have souls and philosophical debates. Still don't move though."
Each Pet Rock Remote comes with a unique NFT proving you own a remote control for a rock!
NFT Features:
• Blockchain-verified rock ownership
• Unique serial number for your remote
• Digital certificate of authenticity
• Absolutely no real-world utility
• Perfect for your digital wallet
"The secret to success is finding the intersection between what people know is stupid and what they desperately want anyway. We don't sell rocks - we sell the EXPERIENCE of owning a remote-controlled rock that does exactly what you expect!"
In a world full of products that promise everything and deliver nothing, we promise nothing and deliver it PERFECTLY. That's the power of honest absurdity.
Alternative Philosophy: You could also support actual open source development that promises to deliver real features slowly over 10 years. But that's playing the long game, and who has time for that when there are rocks to not control?