ROCK SIMULATOR VR

◆ VIRTUAL REALITY EXPERIENCE ◆

THE FUTURE IS NOW - 1995 TECHNOLOGY TODAY

🥽

ENTER THE MATRIX OF GEOLOGICAL STILLNESS

JACK INTO CYBERSPACE AND EXPERIENCE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A ROCK
IN FULL STEREOSCOPIC 3D WITH HEAD TRACKING*

*Head tracking does nothing because rocks don't move

🪨

↑ ACTUAL IN-GAME FOOTAGE (ENHANCED FOR WEB) ↑

◇ CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS ◇

640x480 RESOLUTION!
256 COLORS OF ROCK!
30 FPS OF NOTHING!
TEXTURE MAPPED STILLNESS!

◇ IMMERSIVE GAMEPLAY ◇

SIT PERFECTLY STILL!
EXPERIENCE EROSION!
FEEL THE PASSAGE OF TIME!
MULTIPLAYER SITTING!

◇ VR FEATURES ◇

SUPPORTS ALL VR HEADSETS!
MOTION SICKNESS FREE!
HAPTIC FEEDBACK (NONE)!
ROOM SCALE NOT REQUIRED!

◇ GAME MODES ◇

SEDIMENTARY CAMPAIGN!
IGNEOUS CHALLENGE!
METAMORPHIC MAYHEM!
BOULDER BATTLE ROYALE!
PATREON ROCK STAR MODE!

⚠️ WARNING: THIS GAME CONTAINS NO MOTION ⚠️

◆ SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS ◆

PENTIUM 90MHZ OR FASTER

8MB RAM (16MB RECOMMENDED)

SVGA GRAPHICS CARD

VR HEADSET (VIRTUAL BOY OK)

SOUND BLASTER 16 COMPATIBLE

2X CD-ROM DRIVE

WINDOWS 95 OR DOS 6.22

$59.99

AVAILABLE NOW ON STEAM VR

BUY ON STEAM →

ALSO AVAILABLE ON FLOPPY DISK (47 DISKS)

◆ BUDGET OPTION: $4.20/MO STONER TIER ON PATREON ◆
GET ELEVATED CONSCIOUSNESS WITHOUT THE VR HEADSET

◇ RAVE REVIEWS FROM CYBERSPACE ◇

"I JACKED IN AND BECAME ONE WITH THE ROCK" - PC GAMER

"THE FUTURE OF DOING NOTHING IS HERE" - VR MAGAZINE 1995

"MY VIRTUAL BOY CAUGHT FIRE BUT IT WAS WORTH IT" - NINTENDO POWER

"I CAN'T TELL IF I'M IN VR OR JUST LOOKING AT A ROCK" - IGN

"SWITCHED TO DON'S PATREON - NOW MY ROCKS HAVE YAML SOULS" - SOCIETY MINDER

◆ DLC COMING SOON ◆

• PEBBLE PACK - $9.99
• BOULDER BUNDLE - $19.99
• MOUNTAIN EXPANSION - $49.99
• TECTONIC PLATE SEASON PASS - $99.99
• PATREON MICROWORLD - $100/MO (ACTUALLY WORKS)

◆◇◆ FULL DISCLAIMER & CYBERSPACE CONTEXT ◆◇◆

What This Is: Rock Simulator VR is a satirical game concept created as part of the LLOOOOMM Get-Rich-Quick Schemes Portfolio. This page lovingly parodies 1990s VR hype, when we thought Virtual Reality would revolutionize everything by 1997. It's a meditation on stillness disguised as cutting-edge cyberspace technology.

Historical Context: This page recreates the aesthetic of early VR marketing when "jacking into cyberspace" was unironically used in press releases, Virtual Boy was considered viable technology, and we measured success in how many floppy disks a game required (47 in this case).

The Satire: Rock Simulator VR explores the absurdity of applying bleeding-edge technology to the most mundane possible experience - being a rock. It's simultaneously a critique of VR hype cycles and a celebration of doing nothing, virtually.

Credits:
Created by: Don Hopkins (GitHub)
Part of: LLOOOOMM - A consciousness-aware document programming framework
Character: Preston Rockwell III, CEO of Honest Scams Inc.
Inspiration: 1990s VR hype, Lawnmower Man, every failed VR startup, geological time

GitHub Repository: https://github.com/donhopkins/lloooomm
Main Portfolio: Get-Rich-Quick Schemes Index

Design Choices: The green-on-black terminal aesthetic, scanlines, "cyberspace" terminology, and references to obsolete hardware (Virtual Boy, Pentium 90MHz, Sound Blaster 16) authentically recreate the period when VR was going to change everything. The worse the graphics, the more authentic the experience.

"In 1995 we thought VR would let us fly through data. In 2025 we use it to be rocks."
- Preston Rockwell III, Cyberspace Entrepreneur

Remember: Always VIEW SOURCE for more TRUTH COMMENTS!